December movies: (mostly) Christmas Edition

Gosh. Okay. Here's one final blast of movies for the end of the year. Why do I watch so many???

Seen these, not much to say:

A Christmas Story - watched this a good 6 times on Xmas Even and Xmas. Yeah, that's right. I was painting and stuff! This never gets old.
Scrooged - As good as I remember
Bad Santa - Not as good as I remember.

Rapid Fire! Quick!

Don Jon - This was good but the ending felt a little shoe horned, neat, and undeserved. I would have preferred it to not have that ending, otherwise very enjoyable!
Catching Fire - Much better than the first one. Can't wait until the next two, not a lot bad to say about this!
Europa Report - A very low budget film that would have had even more stressful parts if not for Gravity stealing some of the space thunder. If you like sort of slow burning space horror this is worth watching.
Final Destination 5 - Second viewing of this. Not my favorite of the bunch but it amuses me that someone I'm one step removed from was in this.
Parker - Not the best Jason Statham movie, but certainly not his worst. JLo was by far the worst part of the movie and I feel like her entire part should have been reworked or written out entirely.
Brick - This has been on my list for a very long time. The last time I tried to watch it I was tired and a bit sick, so I ended up falling asleep. It was okay, if a bit hokey. Watching what are supposed to be (and some nearly were, I'd imagine) teenagers speak as if in a noir pulp detective story was jarring, and at times distracting. Like watching a high school play or something.
Asexual - It was a bit depressing because one of the people featured seemed very dissatisfied with their life and that's always a little sad. Otherwise, very informative and easy to watch.

Things I watched in December: Documentary Edition

So. Back to movies! I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately because it's easy to watch them while I'm surfing the internet or painting. Good background noise, basically. Here are a few of them that I've seen this month

Talhotblond
I won't say much about this to prevent spoiling anything, but I can tell you what we learn in the first minute or so. A man in his mid 40s befriends an 18 year old girl over the internet. Another man ends up dead. This is the true (as far as we know) story of how this happened, and it's fascinating to watch this unfold. I don't think it surprises anyone here that people aren't always who they say they are over the internet, but it's still troubling to know stuff like this happens. Worth a watch!

Best Worst Movie
This has been on my radar for a very long time! This is a documentary based on the infamously bad (Best Worst Movie, you might say!) movie Troll 2. I've long heard amazing things about this doc and I'd say it mostly delivers. If you're a film fan, even if you haven't seen this particular movie or don't especially like it, this is worth seeing. It's always interesting to see what goes on in the minds of people that make unintentionally bad movies, and this provides a lot of that.

Methodonia
I watched this on Christmas day because apparently I'm a masochist. This is about methadone and follows a group of about 8 people using it for various reasons. Depressing, eye opening, and interesting. Probably don't watch alone on Christmas!

American Addicts
I only watched about half of this because while it was interesting and factual, it was also extremely dry. I like my documentaries to be a bit more than just live action news articles and that's pretty much what this was. A lot of interesting facts about prescription addiction and the problem we have with over prescribing but I just wasn't in the right head space to focus on hard hitting pure facts based stuff.

AFI 100 Movies: Shane Edition

I finally watched another AFI movie! Shane. A 1953 Western based on a 1949 novel of the same name. It, apparently won an Academy award for Cinematography.  Personally, I found it so dull and slow that I had to watch the 2 hour long film in several chunks spread out over a few days. Here's the basic plot.

Shane, a lonesome cowboy, wanders into Wyoming sometime in the mid the late 1800s. He befriends and starts working for the Starrett family. Apparently, there's some drama with a cattle baron that wants to force the Starrett's and everyone else in the area off of the land. I guess... to... give himself... more... land? I... don't really know.

Conflict arises, people die, there's a showdown, good guys win, bad guys lose. The end. I guess all things considered it's a good movie. Obviously it was good enough to end up on this list, but I just do not like most Westerns. Obvious exceptions for a handful. Western Lovers will probably like this, I guess? That's up to you, man.

December Watch List: An Incomplete List

Grouping these by genre instead of in order of when I watched, for easier reviewing! Here are the standup specials that I watched.

Bo Burnham: What
This is a brand new special that was put out for Netflix just this month. It was an interesting (and expected) mix of singing, playing piano, some skit type stuff and one liners. His stuff isn't stand up so much as it's performance art, but it's very funny regardless. Now that he's older it's interesting to see how his work is evolving, and you can see some typical "No one understands me" angst going on. Which is understandable considering the fact that he's been in the spotlight since before he even graduated high school.

Comedy Central Presents: Donald Glover
This was moderately new, I think from 2012? I had never really seen much of his stand up before so this was totally new for me. It was incredibly hilarious! Riffing on things like race, gender, dating, growing up, politics, etc. He's a very intelligent and perceptive person but isn't afraid to dip into the juvenile humor well from time to time. There was a particular story he told about a teacher farting once that had me laughing for a good minute straight.

Comedy Central Presents: John Mulaney
I had heard most of this special before via Pandora but it was still fun to watch and see the actual physical part of the show. Mulaney is a very dry and sharp comedian that does a lot of storytelling type of stuff and this one has a really funny bit about "What's New, Pussycat?" that is worth listening to. I really like this guy a lot and hope he continues to make stuff!

Comedy Central Presents: Mike Birbiglia
Much like Mulaney I had already heard most of this act before (It was from 2006, I think, well before he became famous) but again, it was nice to see it actually acted out because Birbiglia does some pretty amusing physical comedy stuff that benefits from being able to actually see him. If you like his later stuff, you'd like this. Though I did notice that he's been using some of the same material for awhile now, which I'm not used to after following so much of Louis CK's stuff!

Comedy Central Presents: Marc Maron
Hulu has a lot of Comedy stuff, okay?? This is the second bit of actual stand up type stuff that I've seen from Maron. This was also pretty old, probably 2007? So it was before he divorced his second wife, which was interesting. It reminded a bit of Louis CK's stand up from before he got a divorce, where you could tell they are in an unhappy (or at least not working) marriage and it's not at all surprising that they ended up divorced. I think I liked this better than his newer stuff, because he seemed to be in a more grounded head space.

I watched these because I wanted to: November Edition

Short thoughts on some of the movies I've seen so far in November! Another post with more will be coming up next week.

Pontypool - I've seen this before, and I like it just as much  now as I did then. Lots of suspense, an interesting twist on typical "Zombie" type movies. It's not really even that, but that's the best way I can think of to describe it. Infection movie might be more accurate? It's an incredibly small movie cast wise and was almost certainly done on a pretty low budget, but you never really feel that. There are only 4 total people acting in it, with on main additional voice on the phone and some misc people calling in. Set in a very small, rural Canadian town during a snow storm and Trouble Happens outside. Very fun!

Robot and Frank - a pretty adorable buddy... uh... caper? Movie. About an old, retired thief and his helper robot. Surprisingly sweet and touching. In the future we have robot maids/butlers/helpers/companions that are pretty advanced and are programmed to do a wide variety of things. An older, retired thief gets one gifted to him by his frustrated and guilt fueled son in an effort to make sure he's taken care of and also to lighten his own load in taking care of him.

The Last Will & Testament of Rosalind Leigh - This was unexpected and different. Very moody, you should watch it with your full attention (I didn't, and feel like it suffered because of that) I watched it while distracted by a variety of things and missed a lot of the moody, subtle, compelling bits of atmosphere and gloom. The basic story is that a guys mother dies and he goes back to her home to tie up loose ends. I suggest watching this with all the lights off and putting away your phone.

Serenity - This was not my first time seeing this, but they were having a showing at the Alamo Drafthouse and how could I not? It was super fun to easy again on the big screen with a big group of people that really wanted to see this. If you haven't already seen this well you're weird and me explaining it won't convince you otherwise.

I really should be watching Bridge on the River Kwai: November Edition Part 2

More November movies for you! I've been watching quite a few.

I just realized I skipped one from October. Oops! I think I listed it but didn't go into it, so here's that.
The Woman Who Wasn't There - incredibly fascinating and gripping documentary about a woman that survived the terrorist attacks on 9/11. Except... she didn't. The subject matter is incredibly interesting, the woman in question bizarre and inexplicable, and the way that the documentary itself is presented is fun to watch.

Now, onward to November!

Prisoners - A pretty intense movie, great acting all the way around, very brutal and dark. The Basics: Two little girls get kidnapped, and this details how each of the families deal with the stress, grief, helplessness and impotence that such a situation creates. Outstanding performances by Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhal. Not really what you'd expect and some interesting roads are taken. Worth watching but keep in mind it is a very dark and brutal movie.

Jarhead - This is one of those movies I've been meaning to watch for a long time. Stumbled across it on Hulu one night and decided to give it a shot. It stars Jake Gyllenhal as a man that decides to join the Marines. He gets thrust into the role of a sniper and then partially through his tour of duty Desert Storm happens. It gives a fascinating look into the lives and minds of member of the military and the special bonds and heartbreaks associated with it. I don't know how authentic it is but it certainly feels real.

Burn - A documentary about Detroit firefighters. This was pretty well done and interesting to boot. People with Crazy Jobs always fascinate me. Firefighters, military, police officers, bodyguards, etc. In addition to learning about what it's like as a firefighter you also learn a fair amount about the city of Detroit itself and the unique problems and issues they have with regards to abandoned buildings, homeless populations, and fires. Totally worth a watch!

Don't Stop Believin: Everyman's Journey - perhaps only interesting if you're a fan of Journey? I found it really interesting as I AM a big fan of Journey and it's neat to be able to see what has happened since Steve Perry left. They had one replacement Other Steve for 9 years but evidently his vocal chords up and gave up. One of the band members, Noah, took to scouring YouTube, of all places, for a singer and stumbled across this guy Arnel from the Philippines. An absolute dead ringer for Steve Perry and it's a very compelling story to watch unfold. Can you even imagine???

Donnie Darko: Not my first watch, felt like seeing this for some reason? It holds up, I think, but I'm not sure how'd I would feel if watching it for the first time now. If I watched it for the first time as a 29 year old I might not like it as much as I did when I was in my early 20s and watching it for the first time.  Another Jake Gyllenhal movie. 3 in one month! Goodness. Not obsessed, I promise.

I might be missing something? Hrmmm.

November LOLS

These aren’t really movies, per se, but here are a few stand up specials that I’ve seen recently!

 

Marc Maron: Thinky Pain – If you like the neurotic style of comedy this is pretty good for that. It’s fairly long, over 90 minutes I think, and he’s either shooting from the hip or is trying to see like he is, if that makes sense. If you’re a fan of that style, it’s pretty decent. Not a whole lot of laughing moments, but it was interesting to listen to regardless. It felt more like a therapy session than anything else, and the stories he told were enjoyable to listen to if nothing else.

 

 

Dan Cummins: Crazy with a Capital F – I’ve heard a lot of his stuff on my Pandora comedy station, it’s okay? Not a lot of laugh out loud moments. He talks about parenthood and other stuff. I’m not sure how I’d classify his style. He’s not super edgy, in your face, or loud. He doesn’t have a shtick, he just is sort of your everyman with a slight misanthropic bent? He has some bits about being a parent that are probably more authentic and relatable than a lot of comedy in that vein is. He doesn’t sugar coat it or attempt to glamorize it.

 

 

Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive – If you like Aziz, this was pretty typical for his stuff. I enjoyed it a lot.  He’s less zany than he has been in the past, I think largely due to the fact that he’s getting older, and his stuff was really easy for me to relate to, being that we are about the same age. He has some really funny things to say about dating and relationships in this era (and OkCupid in particular) and he does it all in a really funny way. Totally worth watching!

 

Cowboys only come out at Midnight

So. This is an interesting movie! From all the way back to 1969 we've got Midnight Cowboy. The story of a small town man from Texas (played with great aplomb by Jon Voight) that moves to New York City because he (literally) wants to become a male escort. While there, he befriends a slimy little grifter played by Dustin Hoffman.

Now, first of all, Hoffman and Voight knocked it out of the park here. Voight was basically the very definition of "Oh, bless his heart" with his bumbling naivety and ineffectual attempts to navigate life in a city that swallows up even the most hardened people. Hoffman is incredible as a street smart, but otherwise pretty dim, sickly, limping, con artist.

The story is perhaps typical, and certainly by this point played out, but it's still a heartbreaking joy to see it played out on the screen. New York City is shown as both dingy and glitzy. Harry Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin" is played repeatedly to great effect. Directed well by a man with a long career, but nothing that would nearly rise to these great heights. Part of that can perhaps by attributed to the source material. A book of the same name written in 1965 by James Leo Herlihy.

For a movie that was rated X (!!!) at the time, it is surprisingly light on anything inappropriate. At least to modern eyes. The X rating was in fact awarded due to the "homosexual frame of reference". Two years after it was originally released it was granted an "R" rating without any changes being made.  It was an interesting movie made more so but the lack of tying everything up in a neat little bow or attempting to give everyone a happy ending. Life is bleak, at times, and it's nice to sometimes have movies that (mostly) reflect that.

Things I watched, mostly in October (though really, who knows)

Movies that I watched in October and didn’t get around to posting about. There are a lot so I’ll keep the reviews short!

 

Gravity – it’s difficult to put this movie into words. It’s too late for this but it was absolutely worth seeing this in IMAX 3D. Heartbreaking, heart STOPPING and incredibly beautiful to look at. Just watch this one, okay? Seriously good stuff.

 

For a Good Time Call – this was okay. It seems like it was trying to be a subversion of tropes, rom com clichés, and a modern day feminist tale but it really turned out to be all of those things it tried to avoid and was partially unsuccessful in what it tried to accomplish. If you don’t take it too seriously it’s fine.

 

Tent City – A great and eye opening documentary about a group of homeless people in the south that live(d) in a large outdoor area known as Tent City. Goes into a lot of what the homeless population has to deal with, the stigmas attached and so on. Very well done and worth a watch.

The Woman Who Wasn’t There

 

RIPD – This was basically lambasted by reviewers and viewers alike. I can understand the problems they have with it, but I found it inoffensive and mostly enjoyable. Of course, I didn’t pay to watch it so there’s that. There are worse ways to spend 90 minutes of your time, for sure.

Skeleton Key – If you like Haunted House/Ghost/Possession type stories this is relatively decent. It’s not necessarily any of those things, but those are the best descriptions that I can think of for what it actually is. Pretty moody and atmospheric. Not the best but good for being what it is.

Trick R Treat – not sure if I posted this one or not, this was a special Halloween rewatch. A very fun and enjoyable Anthology type movie with three stories that all loosely tie together. The going ons that happen in a small town on Halloween. Scary, funny, cute, and well written!

 

 

THE FINAL MOVIE: BRAIN DEAD

The FINAL ULTIMATE movie for #10daysofjezoween is the 1990 Science is Probably Evil movie Brain Dead. (NOT Braindead aka Dead Alive.) A movie that stars both Bill Ps. Paxton and Pullman. Which is confusing. Anyway. It's about brain scientists and the troubles that plague them.

It's got a sweet ass synth score that is bomb as hell. So that alone means it's aces in my book. Basically we've got this Brain Science Man, Pullman, that studies brains in jars. He is approached by an old chum, Paxton, who is a Business Guy and needs some help. The help? A super smart Math Guy goes fucking nutso and kills his family and Paxton wants Pullman to try to... uh.. figure out why? I guess? Things eventually go sour, as they do.

The two Bills play well off of each other. Paxton is fucking hamming it up as Evil Business Man and Pullman is a bit of a sad sack Ethical Doctor Forced to Make Hard Choices. It's directed by a man that hasn't done much but written by the late, great Charles Beaumont. A man that was prolific in the horror/sci fi world and wrote many famous Twilight Zone episodes.

It's fairly serviceable. If a bit heavy handed. It does follow "Show, don't Tell" but spends a little too much time showing. It's not subtle foreshadowing if you're basically spray painting it on the wall. It's a little dark and dreary, in execution not tone. There's nothing terrible impressive about the camera work or set design. There are some interesting dream like sequences that were well done.

On one hand, the subject matter is pretty terrifying. I've read a lot about mental illness, brain surgery, lobotomies, etc. The knowledge that I might have to go down that road one day was especially frightening. An elective lobotomy and tumor removal are obviously two entirely different things but pokin around in brains is scary business! It's unsettling.

It raises some interesting questions that are just as relevant today as they were nearly 25 years ago. Man playing god, science vs nature, is it okay to meddle in the affairs of the brain? What needs fixing and who are we to decide? Madness, reality, and the intersection between the two.

I give it 2 out of 5 butts, and one brain, which sort of looks like a butt. Butt!

OH THANK GOD THIS IS OVER I CAN GO BACK TO WATCHING RERUNS OF TERRIBLE TLC SHOWS

Day 9: The Stuff

The penultimate movie for #10daysofjezoween is the 1985 campy horror movie *The Stuff*. Basically someone finds some… stuff. It’s coming out of the ground, it’s white and creamy (lol) and it tastes delicious as all get out. Problem? Well it’s also like an alien species or something? It basically becomes the next best thing since Diet Coke and everyone in the universe starts eating it. Big Ice Cream takes umbrage with this because it drastically hurts their sales so they hire an Industrial Espionage person. Hilarity ensues.

Larry Cohen wrote and directed it. It’s in a weird spot where it’s not quite campy or funny enough to be a horror comedy, but nowhere near frightening enough to be straight up horror. It presents some interesting thoughts and ideas on mindless consumption and how gullible the American people can be but doesn’t do it in any really interesting ways. They Live came a few years after this one, but it is a much more effective and enjoyable film.

It’s not terrible or bad, but it’s not really something I can see myself ever watching again. I can see this being a good introduction to younger kids to the genre at large, as it’s not especially scary and has a younger kid as the lead. The special effects are almost exclusively practical and pretty well done. They aren’t especially gory in a realistic way, but more fun and interesting looking. Overall I give it 2 out of 5 butts.

Day 8: Bay Of Blood

Day 8 of #10daysofjezoween! As enjoyable as this has been, I’m looking forward to the end. Being forced to watch (and later write about) a movie every single day is kind of exhausting. I just want to watch reruns of What Not to Wear! Anyway, our movie for today is *Bay of Blood* a 1971 Mario Bava movie that is as influential as it is disgusting.

Plot? Eh, who cares. A family is trying to kill off anyone that stands in the way of their inheritance in as gruesome and bloody a way as possible. Look, I know that everyone likes to consider Black Christmas (1974) or even Texas Chainsaw Massacre (’74) to be the great grandfathers of the slasher films but as South Park would say “Bava did it!” Well, I would extend that to most of the Italian schlockmasters, Bava, Argento, Fulci, etc. Anything that was done in American Horror Cinema was done by the Italians years or even decades before. This predates the aforementioned Black Christmas and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It also predates Halloween, Friday the 13^th, I Spit on Your Grave, Cannibal Holocaust, and yes, even Last House on the Left. Those that bemoan the recent trend of so called “torture p**n” would do well to remember that the Italians have been produced this for FORTY YEARS. Not that it excuses this, but it’s by no means a recent phenomenon or sign of the times or evidence of social decay, or anything along those lines.

This movie, above any other, I would probably classify as such though I am loathe to use that term. It is intensely violent, gory, and bloody. That being said the gore is well executed, Oscar winner Carlo Rambaldi (Um, ever heard of Alien? Yeah) can be thanked for that (heh), the direction is stylish and striking, and the overall production is relatively top notch. There are some beautifully well done shots and the landscape itself is quite lovely to look at. This is probably the most influential and important movie in the slasher genre. It kicked start the 1980s trend of teen horror films and even still today 45 years later it still manages to inspire and demand homage. Friday the 13^th, Part 2 directed cribbed at least two death scenes nearly shot for shot. I Know What You Did Last Summer? Cribbed it.

Another interesting thing to note that while this movie was almost exclusively ABOUT the death scenes (13 in all) in the previous year Bava made 5 Dolls for an August Moon which is a murder mystery film without any actual murders witnessed. An interesting juxtaposition when viewed together. That being said I would recommend this movie to almost no one. It’s hugely influential and important to the genre but it’s also difficult to watch. It’s as brutal as it is beautiful and the score is effective and haunting but it’s also a hard pill to swallow. This is for (heh) die hard fans only. Those with sensitive constitutions should stay away. I give it 4.3 butts out of 5. The point 3 is because someone hacked away most of the butt so you’re just left with a tiny, bloody chunk.

Day 7: I Saw The Devil

Today I will be sharing Kim Jee-Woon’s 2010 film *I Saw the Devil* a South Korean movie that’s probably more in the revenge thriller genre, but here we are regardless. This is a film that has been on my list since it was released. After Jee-Woon’s previous films (A segment in 3 Extremes, A Tale of Two Sisters, and The Good, The Bad, and The Weird) it was already on my radar. Add to that the fact that the entire horror blog community was nearly universally praising it? (A feat which is about as impressive as Comic Book Nerds agreeing on the quality of a movie. If there’s anything genre fans enjoy more than slap fights over whether a movie is “hella cool” or “hella gay” I’d be hard pressed to think of it.)

The fact that it was subtitled AND nearly 2.5 hours long kept getting it pushed off. I knew I would need to devote my entirely attention to it for a long time so I always turned to something else. But I’m glad I finally did. This movie has a lot of things to praise it for. The original score is full of lush, sweeping, orchestral music. The cinematography is perfectly done and the film is as brutal as it is beautiful. The writing, special effects, choreography and direction are all top notch and there’s little to fault here.

It is exceptionally brutal.  The basic premise is a man’s fiancée is murdered and he goes on a quest to find her killer and avenge her death. This is a movie that pulls no punches. There’s plenty of blood, gore, and even nudity but it never feels gratuitous. It never feels exploitative. This is a movie about grief. A man so consumed by it that killing the cause of it wouldn’t even begin to solve it. But how do you lift it? How do you reconcile that level of loss? The rock that’s sitting on your heart isn’t going to disappear just because you put one on someone else. There’s a saying that when embarking on a quest for revenge you should dig two graves. One for Them and one for You. What a lonely place. I think some of us have felt how helpless earth shattering grief is. That level of emotional pain makes you turn outward. To push that energy out into something. Into someone. You can’t always cause that emotional pain but you can certainly accomplish something *physical*. A broken heart for a broken heart.

It is this extreme that drives our Not Quite Hero. He is blinded by his pain. He is consumed with revenge and making the killer feel the same pain that he feels. That his fiancée felt. It is an empty quest because it won’t actually solve his ultimate problem. It won’t give him peace or happiness. It won’t fill the gaping void inside of him. It won’t help him sleep at night or heal his wounds any faster. We feel the same suffering he feels. Between bouts of violence there are scenes dotted with his grief. The loss is palatable and felt in every beat between takes. We never forget what he’s fighting and why. It’s never lost in the impact of a hammer or cut of a scalpel.

We are on this journey for a reason and at the end we feel the same void. That nameless, inevitable void that cannot be filled with blood nor vengeance. Two graves have been dug and we fall screaming into the waiting earth. The guilt, shame, longing, and haunting memories fill in the spaces between the dirt. Revenge is a cold blanket, let us wrap ourselves in it and settle in for the night. I saw the devil and now I can’t look away.

5 out of 5 butts the highest possible honor.

Day 6: Cherry Tree Lane

Anyhow, Today for #10daysofjezoween I will be discussing Cherry Hill Lane. A movie that has been much buzzed about since it's 2010 release but I've been avoiding because it features sociopathic teenagers being annoying ass sociopaths (or so the brief netflix synopsis tells me) and if there's one thing I really hate in life (there are hundreds) it's smug ass teenagers being little smug ass shitheads. It just fills me with so much rage. With all that in mind, was it worth it?

The movie starts with a pretty interesting and mood setting score and we get a nice little "stuff happening on stove while character is out of focus talking" shot that seems like a trope but I can't really think of many examples of it. Maybe it's more of a "mundane domestic activities before the chaos starts" that's a trope. Either way it's effective.* It's a fairly tense lead up because we know something is going to happen but you don't know when so you're watching Boring Domestic Stuff and waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

When it does I immediately hate the chav motherfuckers as you're SUPPOSED TO but I just hate them so much. I hate smug, self righteous, think you're tough ass motherfuckers SO MUCH. Especially when they're teenagers. Ugh. It just gets my goat so much. I much prefer QUIET MENACE or INEXPLICABLY CALM AND THREATENING.

I am amused by a scene characters are watching tv and they switch to Night of the Living Dead is on for about two seconds. 

All these considered it's a very short movie at 77 minutes and much of it is little to no action with just the intruders being douchebags and saying douche ass fucking things. Thinking they are entitled to shit just because they are the Have Nots and these people are the Haves. It's infuriating and it made me just wish they'd die in a gigantic fire. Regards of their reasons or justifications I don't even care. 

Basically, everything that Funny Games was commenting on and chiding us for (railing against violence inflicted on others by wishing violence on those doing the inflicting) is present here and I'm aware of that but I really just don't care and want them to be punished. 

The camerawork is good, the score is well done, and there's very little violence or gore. I wouldn't even really classify this as a horror movie. An interesting thing is that it's basically (if almost exactly) in real time. 

Anyway, I wouldn't say I'd really reccommend this movie to anyone. It's basically horrible people doing horrible things and even if it does have things to say about class and race and SOCIAL ISSUES I don't really care because you can say those things in other, more effective ways. I've heard complaints about the ending but I mostly found it satisfying.

*while typing this up today I heard what SOUNDED LIKE LOUD SCREAMING but was just sportsball excitement. stupid sportsball

Day 5: Relic

I didn’t have a lot to say about this movie. The monster design was pretty nifty but by and large it was pretty predictable and used way too many violin stings (which I like but it’s a total crutch so… mixed bag. 2 out of 5 butts mostly due to the nifty monster. 

Day 4: Return to Horror High

Day 4 of #10daysofjezoween brings us to Return to Horror High. A 1987 movie that I would see on basically every trip to the local video store. It had a skeleton wearing a cheerleading skirt on the cover, so it was pretty distinctive!

Anyway, basic premise: 5 years prior a series of horrible murders happened at the local high school. Now, in 1987 a film crew returns to make a movie about the subject and the same thing happens to the film crew. 

It starts in the Now with the police investigating the film crew murders, with regular flashbacks to the film crew and their antics. It switches back and forth to the present day investigation and will sometimes switch to the actual Movie being shot (that you are watching as an actual movie.)  So it's an interesting format of Now Police Investigation flash to the In Movie Movie, then In Movie Actor will break character and it will be Making a Movie mode. It's pretty neat because you have actors playing Actors, and then playing Actors Acting. Whew! It's confusing to explain but it works pretty well in movie.

During the Making a Movie parts we get a lot of interesting meta comments from the film crew about making a movie, audience expectations, and artistic integrity. There's some gore, both in the form of deliberate fake prop stuff and then the real actual killings. Some pretty unique kills and the idea of a slasher running around while a slasher is being made was a pretty unique subject matter in the late 80s. Of course, Scream 2 and Scream 3 took that subject and ran with it in its own interesting ways much later. The killer reveal was absolutely insane and hilarious and the actual ending was fresh and different (for the time period; it’d likely be seen as cliché and expected these days.)

This isn't the first "meta" level horror movie, I'm sure, but it's early enough that I'd consider it one of the fore fathers. Due to the format of a movie within a movie it’ manages to do so without seeming pandering, too self-aware, or camera winky. Does that mean it's perfect or amazing? No, not particularly. But it's pretty fun and interesting and short enough to make it worth your time. 

Neat facts: It stars Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) and George Clooney! This was his first movie role and very early in his acting career. He would of course go on to a steady gig on Roseanne, ER, and the rest is history.

Day 2 of Jezoween: Altered

For our next edition of #10daysofjezoween I bring to you a sleepy little 2006 direct to DVD creature feature film directed by Eduardo Sanchez of Blair Witch fame. *Altered.* I’ve been hearing buzz about this movie for years from friends and through horror geek blogs but managed to mostly avoid it. I tried watching it once but according to Netflix only got 5 minutes into it and likely switched to watching reruns of Golden Girls after that. I’m glad I came back.

The premise of the movie is pretty simple. 15 years ago a group of rednecks were abducted by aliens and now they turn the tables in a poorly thought out revenge fantasy. Spartan in both idea and execution it surprisingly serves up some pretty hefty themes that may or may not have been intentional.

What appears to be on the surface a relatively straight forward alien adventure film turns out to have a lot more lurking beneath. A shockingly well done examination and exploration of male sexual assault and the psychological ramifications that echo through the years. Shame, guilt, humiliation, and impotent rage are festering beneath the surface of everyone involved even years after the fact. Driven by revenge their lives are consumed with vengeance. They are incapable of moving on. They are plagued with paranoia, doubt, alcohol problems and criminal records. Their relationships falter and crumble, they cannot maintain jobs or any semblance of stability. They isolate themselves both emotionally and literally.

They were abducted, probed, and by their own admission Altered. (Hey! That’s the title of the movie!) This can’t be a coincidence. You could replace the alien with a human and change only a few bits of dialogue and story and you’d have just a cohesive film. It’s not just revenge or justice, it’s a quest for peace. You can feel the pain and grief radiating from each person and the different ways they deal with it. How do you reconcile something like this? How do you deal? You can’t tell anybody. They either wouldn’t understand or they wouldn’t believe you. Why did they pick *you*, what did you do to get their attention? It festers. Over years. The pain piles up until you’re so full of it that there’s no room for anything else in your life. And so you do the only reasonable thing you can think of, you go after it. A suicide mission that will either end in retribution or your own death.

This may seem like reaching or overanalyzing but having seen my fair share of alien abduction movies, hostage situations, exploitation/revenge films, and kidnap thrillers I can tell you this is all very unique in terms of presentation, dialogue, and story. I suspect that the screenwriter either explicitly intended for this to be an allegory or they have their own personal experience with such things that subconsciously colored their work. Either way, it serves as a fascinating glimpse into the intricate nature of the male mind and what happens when internal strife manifests into external violence when left unchecked.

All this aside it was also just straight up a well done picture. It was pretty low budget but this wasn’t a handicap for the most part. The actors aren’t as well known (or in some cases known at all) but they do a good job with the material. The sets are extremely limited but in a way that feels organic to the story so it doesn’t feel particularly cheap or hastily done. The set designer, if indeed it was a set and not an existing garage/workshop, did an exceptional job. The creature effects were pretty well done and chilling, and the gore was all practical, no CGI.

I would give this 4 very surprisingly thoughtful butts

The List: Day 1 (The Host)

So, in the spirit of Halloween I’ve decided to do a “10 Movies I haven’t seen yet, yes I know, no I don’t know why I haven’t watched that yet, I just haven’t okay?” list. Every night I will watch a different movie I’ve been meaning to watch but haven’t gotten around to it yet and then write about it the next day.

I went about this very scientifically by scanning my legacy dvds, perusing my torrent site, and browsing the Horror section on Netflix. What I watch each night will depend on A) How much time I have and B) my particular mood.

Anyway, on with the show! Slight spoilers (mostly about the size and visibility of the monster), but nothing major. The first movie up? The 2006 Bong Joon-ho movie The Host! I know, I know, how had I not seen this yet?? Despite the fact that a good 10% of my jezoween movies are foreign I have to be in a very specific mood to watch something with subtitles because I have a gnat like attention span at times. Regardless, I had been meaning to watch this for many years but it kept being pushed off so I could rewatch Tremors for the 300th time or watch another show about Midgets.

Anyway, the film is part monster movie, part political commentary, and part satire. The basic premise is a land/sea monster runs free in South Korea and one family attempts to rescue a member of their clan. It was the highest grossing movie in South Korea at the time and is relatively unique in its vision. Not only do you see the entirety of the monster almost immediately (and often) but it’s also comparatively small; about the size of a large bus.

It’s also very slightly based on a true story. The opening scene (and the ultimate cause of the monster) is actually pretty closely based on actual events. However, no sea monsters have yet to be unleashed. (Or have they??? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING NORTH KOREA???) It features a lot of commentary (and criticism) of both American military and culture. Due to this it is actually praised by North Korean authorities, a very rare feat for a blockbuster film.Not to be seen as throwing too much shade on the US, we also see the South Korean military as ineffective, apathetic, and mostly useless.

In large parts, the film works. There are some moments that are darkly funny when they should be serious, and some moments that are darkly serious when they should be funny. The main flaw is that perhaps everything is played a little too straight and not self aware. A notch to the left and you’d have a very tight, suspenseful, dark monster flick that subverts tropes and hits you when you least expect it. A notch to the right and you’d have a blackly hilarious satire of a stereotypical monster movie that both addresses the tropes that the genre was built on while at the same time avoiding the very clichés it brings to light.

As it stands it’s somewhere between the two, which weakens it a fair bit. It seemed as if the director couldn’t pick the tone and decided to play with both sides of the fence. 

That being said it still largely succeeds. If you don’t mind strapping in a bit and putting on your safety helmet (the tonal shifts might give you whiplash otherwise) I can highly recommend this. I give this 3.5 out of 5 butts, but they are really cute butts.

Moving Pictures AFI probably disapproves of

I know, I know. I need to be watching more AFI movies. But here are the non AFI movies I’ve been watching, in order of watchitude. I feel like I’m missing some? Maybe I haven’t seen as many movies this month as I thought? Additionally, I’m including two items that probably should have been on the previous one. Whatever!

The Fartist Notice the F in front there. This is another standup special, this time from Brian Posehn. I don’t have a lot to say about this. It was entertaining? If the title of the show made you laugh, you’d probably enjoy this, basically.

My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend This isn’t a movie, it’s actually a standup special from Mike Birbiglia. Calling is a stand up special isn’t entirely accurate though because while it’s *funny* it’s not the traditional setup punchline joke repeat repeat. It’s more of a storytelling/performance piece. Regardless of all that, it is definitely worth watching. It’s funny, touching, at times sad and highly relatable. I really enjoy Birbigs, schtick? I guess? His style. He’s a funny guy and charming and, yes, disarming. I loved Sleepwalk With Me and will continue to watch his stuff.

World War Z I understand why this received the criticisms that it did. It shares nothing in common with the source material save the central premise. But, I knew that going in and so I was going to judge it entirely as separate from that. The book would make for an incredible HBO style series. I forget how many chapters there are but they could probably even do one or two 12 episodes seasons with each chapter being an episode… Anyway. SO. How does the movie stand up as a movie, not an adaptation? Not terrible. But, you know, not exceptionally great either. The first problem is length. At 2 hours not only is it far too long but it FEELS like longer than that. I honestly thought it was 2.5 hours. Regardless, they easily could have trimmed it to 90 minutes without losing a whole lot.

Another problem? It’s too amped up. There’s a constant sense of either action or direct danger. There’s very little downtime. There is almost no levity. Never a break, never a moment of calm. I get that. I do. I understand the WHY but it just doesn’t work for me. I like my “Scary” movies to have moments of (intentional) levity or farce. A small chuckle or big laugh between being chased by (whatever.) It doesn’t have to be a laugh riot comedy (or zomedy) like Shaun of the Dead, either. Dawn of the Dead 2004 did a great job of balancing things. Night of the Living Dead (original) didn’t really have any chuckles but it had plenty of calm quiet time. You need a chance to breathe and WWZ didn’t really offer this. It wasn’t scary, it was just TENSE.

JASON TAKES MANHATTAN Despite the title the majority of this film takes place on a boat and that’s where the majority of the action/entertainment lies. Once they hit dry land the movie, I’m sorry but I have to do this, loses a lot of steam. It’s not the best Jason movie, but it’s also not really the worst. I went to see it at the Alamo Drafthouse on Friday, the 13th at 9:13 and it was pretty entertaining with a fully packed crowd. I would probably never see it otherwise or likely watch it again. A couple of important notes:

First of all it has Jason literally punching someones head off. Which is a sight to behead. Sorry, beHOLD. (I’m out of control! Cant stop me now!) Secondly, it actually manages to pass the bechdel test. For those of you that don’t know what that is it’s pretty simple. Does the film have at least two female (named) characters? That talk to each other? About something other than a man? The answer here is yes. It would shock you (or maybe not, if you’re reading this you’re a bright cookie) how often this ISNT the case.

But here, a horror movie where a guy LITERALLY GETS HIS HEAD PUNCHED OFF, it manages. Think about that you writers, directors, producers, even actors. Because I know so many of you are currently reading this. Thank you and good night!

INSIDIOUS 2 I really enjoyed the first installment of this, and the 2nd one, while not quite as good, was still pretty decent. It kicks off basically immediately after the first one and plays out more as a drama with ghosty bits. It lacks the veering into silly third act that the first one suffered from, and didn’t have nearly as many jump scares. It wasn’t a perfect film by any means. There is a nearly completely superfluous third child that did not need to exist, but due to a somewhat minor part of the first movie is required to be here, otherwise he would be weirdly absent. Or maybe not. I honestly forgot he even existed, but whatever. Overall: Not bad, though I am unlikely to choose to see it again.

Double the Indemnity, double the fun!

So, the most recent AFI movie I watched was Double Indemnity. A 1944 film about an insurance salesman that gets conned into killing the husband of a woman he falls in love with. I have a lot of thoughts about this movie.

First of all. Wtf? So, we have or protag, Walter, that pays a house call to the Dietrichson house to renew an insurance policy. Mr. Dietrichson isn’t there so he speaks to his wife, Phyllis. Immediately upon meeting this (married) woman Walter is making creepy come ons and insinuations. They spend a total of maybe 5 minutes together which is apparently enough for Walter to fall ass over teakettle for this woman. I’ve had longer conversations with the barista at Starbucks.

So, Phyllis arranges for Walter to come by a few days later, conveniently on a day when neither her husband nor the maid are around. She brings up killing her husband without actually bringing it up and Walter is smart enough to nope.com out of there. Of course, the damsel ends up at Walter’s later that night spinning a tale of woe that’s less woe and more zzzz.

Her husband neglects her, they no longer have a lot of money, he works all the time, sometimes he slaps her when he gets drunk. She has a step daughter that doesn’t respect her. All these things add up to divorce, sure, but not murder.

Anyway, Walter is in a mad boner rage and eventually agrees to this terrible life choice. Where was *his* sassy gay friend? Oh, right. 1944. Gays didn’t exist yet. Have I mentioned the fact that the two leads have basically zero chemistry? Because they totally don’t. ALSO. When they kiss they just mash their mouths together. It’s like the director told them to high five but right before the cameras rolled he screamed out “BUT DO IT WITH YOUR MOUTHS” and the actors were like did he just say high five with our mouths? And the director was like “DO IT OR THE REST OF THE MOVIE WILL USE SOCK PUPPETS.” And so they did and this is what happened.

Is that just how they kissed in movies back then? I mean they seriously just smooshed their mouths together for about 10 seconds. Was French kissing against standards and practices back then? I might have to look this up. Where was I? Right. SO.

He agrees to this tremendously stupid decision and wow he ends up paying for it later. I got side tracked by my tangent and now I’m not sure what to say. Why is this #29 on the list? I’m going to go read Roger Ebert’s review and see what he has to say. I’ll play some hold music while I’m gone.

*Plays Baby Come Back* Ebert also points out and notices that there is a distinct lack of passion between the two. Is this intentional? He gives the movie 4 stars but recognizes that it’s less a movie about a man killing for love and money and more a movie about a man killing because the plot dictates that he do so. Almost as if it’s a parody of genre films before the genre became a parody of itself. Does that make any sense? Probably not. But neither did anything the characters did.

I really feel as if I missed something with this one. I like the film noir genre. I like smart quips and quick comebacks. I like murder plots and complications and things that don’t go as they should so why don’t I like this one? I love most of everything Hitchcock ever did which is nothing but tales of bad deeds done by good people for the wrong reasons gone awry.